How can I help someone else with an alcohol problem?

If you are  worried about someone you care about (partner, relative or friend), who may be experiencing problems with alcohol, try to answer the following questions as honestly as possible:

• Does he/she try to keep the amount they are drinking a secret?
• Has he/she ever hidden drink?
• Does he/she find it difficult to stop drinking when others in their company stop?
• Does he/she ever forget things which happened when drinking?
• Does he/she buy extra drinks for him/himself between rounds?
• Has he/she promised to cut down or stop drinking and failed?
• Can he/she take large quantities of alcohol without appearing drunk?

If you answered 'Yes' at least once, you can be sure that he/she's use of alcohol is a cause for concern. 

Signs of an Alcohol Problem

Relationship problems -

• Jealousy
• Feeling that people are against him or her
• Feeling suspicious of others and their motives
• Constantly Breaking promises

Behaviour problems -

• Mood and behaviour changes, often without warning
• Forgetfulness
• Loss of concentration

Home and domestic problems

• Money worries
• Constantly arguing with others in the home
• Problems with the police
• Loss of interest in home life

Health problems

• Depression
• Yellow tingeing of the whites of the eyes (jaundice)
• Constant stomach upsets or weight loss   

How does this make you feel?

If there is one thing you should not feel, it is guilt about your reactions towards the drinker and his or her use of alcohol.  Feelings such as Anger, Hopelessness, Panic, Hatred, Frustration, Being trapped in the situation, Loss of self-worth and Feeling Responsible are perfectly normal and understandable reactions to a situation which probably, at present, seems to offer no way out.  Yet there is something you can do. 

Ask yourself:

• If he or she was not drinking the way that they do, would the problems still exist?
• Are you reluctant to admit there is a real problem for some reason?
• Are you convinced that he/she's drinking is reasonable?

He or she's reaction to problems may be acceptable to him or her, but using alcohol to mask problems like depression and anxiety can only make the situation worse.

Would it help to talk to someone?

FASS also provides counselling for those who wish to seek help regarding another's drinking problem (partner, relative or friend) to give aid towards:

• coming to terms with another's drinking problem
• becoming more effective in helping your partner, relative or friend come to terms with the situation

Counselling can equip you with tools to be able to cope with another's drinking.  However, bear in mind that each individuals situation is unique. 

Acknowledge the problem

• Appreciate that he/she's drinking is causing problems of some kind - either for him/herself or for others such as yourself.
• Don't make excuses for him/her.
• Don't try to rationalise the reasons for drinking: if he/she has a problem, then he or she is probably very good at making their own excuses.

What if the drinker does not want to seek help?

Many problem drinkers are to some extent motivated to seek help - the fact that they may evade, avoid or refuse it does not alter this.  The desire for help and the reluctance to seek it are part and parcel of the same thing - 'ambivalence'.  Any attempt to seek help or to stop drinking carries with it the direct implication that he or she will have to give up using alcohol, which may cause him or her great anxiety.

Does applying pressure help?

Don't waste time by focusing on alcohol.  Your attention should be geared towards one goal: ensuring the drinker talks to someone - for example, a counsellor - about their drinking.

Apply pressure immediately after a drinking bout (but not during it).

Pressure must be constant.  Remember, you are trying to move the drinker towards helping him or helself.

CAUTION: Applying pressure doesn't mean picking a fight.

Try not to let the drinker control the situation

Many problem drinkers are past experts in emotionally upsetting those close to them, usually by causing anger - don't allow this to happen to you anymore.

Another tactic they may use is Digression: that is , diverting discussion away from the subject being talked about - 'alcohol'.  For example, "If you are not always late this would never happen!"

Some problem drinkers use threats: "If you don't leave me alone, I'll quit my job / leave you / drink more".  Remember, if nothing is done about the drinking, any of the threats may become reality.

Be Direct

Being subtle or polite allows the drinker to twist and distort the meaning of what is being said to him or her as well as the way in which it is perceived.

Don't employ someone else to be direct for you, the drinker will see this as 'being given a talking to' and will act accordingly - this is, ignore the talking.

Practise speaking more directly and plainly.  For example, the statement, "Bob, do you think you would be willing to talk to someone about your problem?" allows him a way out.  Try: "Bob, this problem has gone as far as it can go.  You must talk to someone about it." 

Consider seeking outside help

The first step in helping the drinker who does not appear well motivated to stop is to seek help from outside the family or circle of friends, such as an alcohol counsellor or to your doctor, or anyone who you feel may be in a position to help.

There is no reason to feel guilty about doing this.  Remember, you are taking a positive step in your attempt to help the problem drinker.  You can offer to accompany him/her for an initial visit to talk to a counsellor about the problem.

What are the advantages of talking to a counsellor?

• You can be confident that the information you disclose to a FASS counsellor will be treated with confidentiality.
• The  counsellor will not be personally involved with you or your partner/relative/friend and can therefore take an objective view of the situation.
• Just talking to someone who has the time to listen to you can help to relieve you of some of the burden of any worries you may have.
• The counsellor has been trained in helping people who are suffering as the result of either their own or someone else's drinking and may be in a position to offer the assistance you require.

Remember that you have your own life to live.  If, despite your efforts and for whatever reasons your loved one does not get help, you can still do something for yourself.  You can talk to a counsellor to help address your own needs and find a way forward for yourself.

If you decide to remain in the problem situation, it is important that you find a way of dealing with the stresses and anxities which you may feel.  After all, how can you be expected to continue to tolerate and support a problem drinking partner/relative/friend without getting some means of support for yourself?

Perhaps the time may not be right, at present, for the problem drinker to engage in treatment but, maybe at a later date, it will.  In the meantime, seek help for yourself.

FASS can help. 

Source: Smith, R (1994). How Can I Help?, (Ed). Thomson, B., The Renfrew Council on Alcohol.

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